Larra Iris Hailey: God's Protected Promise

If you didn't know, I'm pregnant.

And in case anyone missed my last Facebook post, IT'S A GIRL!!! And her name is Larra Iris Hailey.

As many know I'm all about name meaning. Ellie's full name is Elianna Jane Hailey. God gave me the name "Eliana" when I was 9 weeks pregnant -- before we even knew she was a girl. It's Hebrew, and it means "My God has answered." Jane is her Grammy's middle name as well, but also, Jane is the feminine of John which means "Jehovah is gracious." (Also Hebrew.)

God had indeed been gracious to me that year by answering so many prayers. For seven years I prayed for God to send me someone to love and who would love me, and finally, in January of 2008, along came Robert. We were married six months later, and after only six weeks of marriage we found out we were expecting.

Marriage and motherhood seemed to elude me. Everyone I knew had fallen in love, married, bought houses and had children from toddlers to teenagers, and yet, here I was still lonely and longing. It may have seemed like a late start to most, but God in his due time sent answers to all the prayers I had prayed for so long. All the blessings I had waited so long for were suddenly upon me. So Ellie is appropriately named, "My gracious God has answered."

My Daddy, Larry Joe Luna, the day after Ellie was born.

"Larra" is to honor my Daddy who is passed. With two R's it looks more like "Larry" so I'm hoping folks will pronounce it correctly. So it is NOT pronounced "Laura;" it's like saying "Larry" only replacing the Y sound with an A sound. Also, Larra means "protection." Something I have prayed over my body since the loss of our second child, and especially since finding out about this pregnancy.

"Iris" is for that sweet baby we lost. If any of you read the blog I posted about that, then you might remember that an iris bulb that had been dead for three years finally bloomed that same weekend. (Here is a link to that blog in case you want to catch up ... http://keepingupcarla.blogspot.com/2015/04/hailey-baby-no-2.html).

Iris means "rainbow" and the rainbow was God's sign of His promise and covenant with Noah that He would never again destroy the earth by flood. This baby is God's promise to us; Larra Iris Hailey is God's "protected promise." Since the news of her conception God has been telling me that He will never again let miscarriage visit my body. She will be born healthy and happy, and she will only add health and happiness to our lives. I fully believe that. She is the long awaited promise that Robert, Ellie and I have all needed.

And here's another little nugget of God's gracious goodness ...I lost Hailey Baby No. 2 on April 3, 2015 -- Good Friday and Easter weekend. Larra is due March 26, also Easter weekend. Good Friday 2016 is March 25. On Good Friday of last year I lost a baby, and on Good Friday of this year, it is very likely that I will have a baby! Only God can do that! Robert and I couldn't have made that happen if we tried! Only God can give and take away, or in this case, take away and give.

Job 1:21 says, "Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked shall I return. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." But what that scripture doesn't say, what the automatic beautiful opposite is, is that "The LORD took away and the LORD has given."

And a further little nugget ... Robert and his mom have always had this thing about the number 328. I guess it's like their lucky number. It was part of their address and phone number growing up, and it has also found its way into other of life's circumstances as I understand it. Robert has the number 328 tattooed on his back. Well, it is also highly likely that Larra could come a few days late on March 28 (328). Also not something we could've planned if we tried. So either way, if she comes a day early or a few days late, she will be an on time blessing that only God can give.

I hope as others read this you will see the sovereign hand of God over our family and our Larra, and that you will be just as blessed as I was at the realization of God's timing.

Genesis 9:8-17 ESV"Then God said to Noah and his sons with him, "Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth. When I bring clouds over the earth and the bow is seen in the clouds, I will remember my covenant that is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh. And the waters shall never again become a flood to destroy all flesh. When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth." God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all flesh that is on the earth."

We have seen some dark clouds in recent months, but we have seen the rainbow and we are hanging on to God's promises. If you are in a dark time as well, please remember that

Daddy with my brother, Larry Brandon Luna.

where there are clouds or even rain, there is often a rainbow. In fact, you can't have the rainbow without the clouds! Clouds may be dark, dreary and hard to see through, but remember  that clouds are what make the rainbows all the more beautiful!

Daddy with my niece, Peyton Annabelle Luna

Ellie Update From Riverside

Well, here it is -- the official update on Ellie.

I'll get straight to the good news...

Monday and yesterday were "awesome" days!

After leaving Ellie's teacher two messages last week, I finally heard from her Monday afternoon. We went over just how bad her behavior had been, but she also went on to tell me how awesome Monday was for Ellie. She was a very pleasant and compliant child all day. She never once had to be placed in the hall or in a time out/seclusion room. (Something that had been happening since she started at Riverside Academy two weeks ago.) She did her work all day as asked, interacted well with others and only once did she try to run when forming a line, but was very quickly corrected.

Yesterday, Tuesday, she came home without her folder. Normally when she comes home without it I know to assume she had a bad day, because what has happened is she has intentionally left it at school. She honestly thinks that if I can't read about her behavior then I can't punish her for it. So because of the "folder-hiding," if she comes home without it, I automatically assume she had a bad day and she will receive a consequence.

She asked to watch "Wreck-It-Ralph," (her reward for having a good day), to which I responded, "No. Not without knowing how your day was." (I'm hoping to teach her personal responsibility for her own belongings or at least honesty about her behavior.) About that time I noticed I had a missed call from her school and a voicemail. I paused to listen and turns out it was her teacher calling to tell me that Ellie really did forget her folder and that she in fact had a great day -- did all her work as asked, didn't have to be removed from the classroom or put in that horrible time out room. (My words, not her teachers.) So, with that, "Wreck-It-Ralph" was officially on! :)

Today she had some issues with not wanting to comply during PE, but she started the day well and I'm told she ended it on a good note too. And really, I guess you could say it actually started this Sunday in Children's Church. Before we could get out of the sanctuary to pick her up, people were coming out telling us how "exceptionally good" she had been.

I dunno ... her morning in Sunday School hadn't been great -- at least I don't think so because I was told that she threw crayons at other kids. Upon this news I would've normally taken her straight to the bathroom for a severe tongue lashing, or sometimes, depending on the behavior, a spanking. This time I decided that I was going to handle her differently.

I've been trying to be less harsh lately. I am just so weary of all this! Nothing I do seems to work, but rather only drives a wedge between us. I've tried so many things: taking her toys/privileges away, rewards systems to earn them back, throwing or giving toys away thinking if she knew she couldn't earn them back she would be a little more motivated to behave. I've tried being nice, begging and pleading with her, being stern, yelling at her, spanking her everyday she came home with bad notes. (Of course, I'm not proud of those last two.) Lately I am so disgusted; I feel like I can't even enjoy my child anymore. All I know to do to keep from driving the wedge deeper is to simply give her the cold shoulder and only speak to her unless absolutely necessary. And some days that seems to work; I think it's because her behaviors are attention seeking and her goals attention driven.

So ... Sunday I decided to do things differently. I took her to the bathroom and just asked her questions about her behavior (in a loving but correcting tone):
"Ellie, did you really throw crayons? Please just tell me honestly."
"Yes, but it was only one," she answered.
"Did you really throw it at (a friend)?" I asked.
"No. I didn't mean to. I just threw is because it wasn't the color I wanted." She continues, "I don't know if I hit anybody with it."
"Okay, well from what I understand it sounds like when you threw it you hit (friend) with it. Even if you didn't mean to you need to tell her you're sorry," I explained. "Also, do you think that is a good reason to throw a crayon?"
"No," she answered.
"Do you think there is ever a good time to throw a crayon?"
"No," she replied again.
"Okay, well since you acted so impulsively, Daddy and I won't be stopping to get arrows for your bow." (Archery is hobby we have embarked on in hopes of teaching her to focus, discipline and diligence and how to control her body and thoughts.)

With that I finished up in the restroom and then went out to find our pew. Several minutes later as the children were dismissed to Children's Church, I pulled her close, gave her a hug and kiss, told her I loved her and to please do better in Children's Church or she would "lose something else." Normally I would pull her close and in a low "Mean Mommy" growl threaten her to "be good or else."

I dunno ... I can't tell you what exactly I did or what changed, but from that moment till this she's been a pretty good kid. Not that she isn't already a good kid at heart, but she's actually put effort into showing it.

How bad did Ellie's behavior get?

It was immediately worse this year. As soon as she started at Pegram Elementary she began with intruding into peers' personal space (just talking too close, getting in others' faces, very touchy, etc.), random outbursts during class time (just sporadically yelling out nonsensical things as the teacher is trying to teach) an antic that got worse and more disruptive every day. Other impulsive behaviors like elopement (getting up from her desk and running around the room or running from her class when transitioning from homeroom to lunch, recess, PE, etc.) and refusal to participate with the class during PE, Music, or some days, even lunch.

As we expected, upon her transfer to Riverside, she really ramped up the bad attitude and has been giving her new teachers a real run for their money. As I mentioned earlier, she has been so disruptive in class that they have tried moving her desk outside in the hall. Her teacher told me of an instance last week where Ellie actually started screaming for her (the teacher) to stop hitting her (Ellie) when she was nowhere near her. Mrs. Franck explained to Ellie that there are cameras in the hall that would prove she never touched her, so that was the only instance I know of that Ellie tried that.

But even after being placed in the hall the testing behaviors and disturbances continued, so Ellie was placed in what the school calls a "time out room." Otherwise known as a seclusion room. It's a small room (maybe the size of a janitor's closet) that is completely empty and it is meant to give the student a place to calm down. The teacher will either go in and wait it out with the child or, from what I understand, there is a window in the door that the teacher can observe her through. Well, Ellie got put into the time out room last Wednesday and figured out real quick she didn't like it. What she didn't figure out quick enough was how to stay out of it, because by Friday she was put back in it. She did however figure out how to get taken out of the room: pee on herself! That's right. My sweet yet devious little girl figured out that if she simply peed on herself they had no choice but to pull her out of the room. Good thing we went through the "peeing-on-myself-to-go-home" antic last year, so anticipating that she may try it again I had already sent two changes of clothes to school with her. Plan to send herself home: Sabotaged!

So what am I doing to reinforce good behavior?

Well, again, I am learning that since it's attention Ellie is seeking -- good or bad -- I have to stop giving her the negative reactions. I am learning that when she is bad it is best to just ignore her. I am not saying I don't give her a consequence for her bad behaviors. I do still do that, but further, I now do not speak to her unless absolutely necessary. For example: If she comes home with a bad note, the first thing she loses is technology of any kind (TV, computer, PS3 games, etc.) and on top of that I don't speak to her unless it's to tell her "come eat," "take a bath" or "go to bed." She can't stand it. She would rather have my negative reaction because then it is at least some sort of attention, and in a kids eyes, negative attention is better than no attention.

These last two days when she has come home with good behavior I have given her as much positive attention as I possibly can -- even if I really don't have time to. Monday I played Legos with her for an hour. Tuesday it was an hour of Barbies. I put household chores and making dinner on hold in order to give her what she needs. I am ashamed to say that hasn't always been the case. In the past, I thought I was reinforcing good behavior by giving her toys back, giving her treats or giving her special treatment. Not true. It may have temporarily reinforced good behaviors, but nothing will ever replace what our children truly desire of us, and that is our time and attention.

I hate that it has taken me six years to figure this out, but what can I say? Perfect parenting doesn't exist, and even if it did it doesn't come naturally; it's hard work getting there. The flip side is that at least I am figuring it out early and we are getting the help we need now.

Please just keep praying for us all friends. :)

School's Out For Summer!

Welp! She did it! Ellie is a first-grader!



To anyone who actually keeps up with us, so sorry that I haven't blogged since the IEP went into place back in January; as always, life has just kept me very busy.

Maybe now that summer is here I can breathe a little, and then maybe share more often.

The IEP seemed effective at first. She had an initial adjustment period where she came home with bad marks or notes, but not long after the IEP was in place she seemed to level off. But then after spring break, Ellie once again seemed to show her true colors. Her behaviors once again hit a level that was not tolerated by her teachers or peers. Mostly safety issues like pushing and kicking others and hyper-active issues like running around the room during the teacher's teaching time or not staying on her mat during rest time -- things that were causing major distractions for the other students.

So as the story goes, her teachers and I decided to make a change and placed Ellie in the Resource Room full time and flip-flop her IEP. So since she was a student in a general education class with 2 hours of Special Education attention, that meant she would go into spec. ed. full time with 2 hours of reintroduction back into gen. ed.

And again, there was an adjustment period where she bucked the system, but after 2-3 weeks she seemed to gain the hang of it and honestly, seemed to do better in the spec. ed./resource room setting.

The plan is to re-introduce Ellie back to gen. ed. as her behavior improves. Unfortunately, her behavior did not improve enough to make that re-introduction possible before school broke for summer. So next year she will be passed to the first grade, but she will begin the year in the resource room, and upon improvements in her performance, she will eventually go back into a gen. ed. class.

Let's hope and pray we end next year in gen. ed., and that by the time she starts second grade we will have etched out some "normal" behaviors and conduct -- whatever that is. :)

Academically, Ellie is advanced -- I mean smart. She can read -- actually has been reading for a while. I don't know many kindergartners who can read on her level. She has a high IQ and knows more sight words, sounds, numbers and math equations than she is expected to. She brings home A-B report cards. She's a little sponge; she just absorbs information and retains it well.

I think she is just bored with school. I hope she will always be this smart. She's gonna need it for a college scholarship. :)

On an emotional note, she handled the miscarriage rather well. She was very, very excited to be a big sister, but I think it helps, obviously, that I was only 3 months along.

We've always told her that babies come from baby seeds. (Just an easy, G-rated explanation for now that seems to satisfy her curiosity.) When we sat her down and explained that there wasn't a baby in mommy's belly anymore, without batting an eye she told us to "just plant another one." And that was that.

It has made her a little more curious about death, but honestly she showed more emotion when Lady, her Grammy's dog, died.

She does still want to be a big sister, and Robert and I do still want to be parents again, so we will "plant another one" soon. :)

Until then, we plan on taking this summer as it comes and enjoying it. So far, though, it has come with rain and storms. Since her last day of school, today makes a week, it has rained and kept us indoors. Needless to say we are driving each other nuts!

Her daddy has some time off in July, so we may even actually take a vacation this year. Can't wait to blog about that. In the meantime, please enjoy this video of Ellie throwing a fake fit about losing her pet praying mantis. This on her first full day home from school!

Ah the joys of living with little humans! :)

https://www.facebook.com/HeyYaYa/videos/10206370795456128/?l=8901392726273158414

Hailey Baby No. 2

[WARNING: You will need tissue and at least 20-30 minutes to read. Y'all know I post long blogs! ADDITIONAL WARNING TO MALE READERS: I talk about periods in this blog. Hope you can deal with it, because if you can you will be blessed. :) ]

My last blog was Feb. 4 - two days before we found out we were expecting Hailey Baby No. 2. That last post was about the faithfulness of God, and so is this one.

I know so many of you are concerned about my well-being, so I decided that maybe it was time that I open up about the miscarriage.

I also know more people than I can imagine are praying for me, and I genuinely feel those prayers. Please keep them coming. God is healing my body, but it is going to take some time yet to heal my soul. Truly, I know my emotions may never fully recover, and I am at peace with that. I know I will one day be made whole again when I get to meet that precious soul, and that is my comfort.

As many of you already know, I miscarried the baby two weeks ago on April 3 (Good Friday) -- the day I turned 12 weeks, the day I was supposed to be "out of the woods."

It happened in that traumatic way you see played out on TV but think will never happen to you. ...

Ellie and I were home alone; Robert was at work. The bleeding started around 3 a.m. Of course I called my OB's office with the morning, but since the bleeding was minimum and had already tapered off, the NP reassured me that a trip to the ER was most likely not necessary. I had been texting my mama all morning for prayer and to help ease my mind. My step dad had just got in town the night before (earlier than expected as he's an OTR truck driver); my mama must've clued him in because at about 10:30 he pulled into the driveway. He was actually on his way to Clarksville but said he "just felt like he needed to swing by." Within minutes of him pulling up the bleeding came back and with heavy force! Something was definitely wrong! I told him that he needed to take me to the ER, so he rushed me to Centennial.

They were great by the way -- took me back almost immediately. The nurses and techs were so smiling yet so sympathetic. Their experienced faces told me they knew exactly what was happening, and honestly, I did too. How could I not? It was a lot of blood, and the cramping had started. I was just still clinging to the hope that somehow this was normal.

The ER nurse had me strip down and gown-up then immediately began plugging me up to machines. Then she and the hospital registrar started the 111-question process of information-taking before the doctor could come in. Once in, he ordered an ultrasound right away, but it took that tech another agonizing hour or so to finally arrive.

As you sit in quiet worry in these situations you take in the hustle and noise around you. Apparently two other women also in the stages of miscarriage were there that morning. One of them was at least 5 months along! I overheard the diagnosis of "incompetent cervix caused by a short cervix." My heart began to break for her too. As I was realizing what was happening to me and my baby, I began to think of how much worse the situation could be. I was sad yet still holding out hope, but also grateful in the midst of my sorrow that it wasn't what she was going through. (Please pray for this unknown lady friends as she had a tougher day than I.)

Finally! The ultrasound technician rolled her big monitor and equipment around the curtain, and my heart began to beat a little faster. Robert clutched my hand a little tighter. (He had finally made it as well and had been waiting with me for most of that agonizing hour.) She explained that she would not turn up the volume on the monitor nor would she reveal her findings to us but rather to the doctor. She was thorough and methodical as she scanned my belly and clicked away at the keys, making sure not to turn the screen so that Robert nor I could see it. That was either the most deafening quiet I have ever experienced or the loudest clicks of any keyboard I have ever heard. When she was finished she let us know she was stepping out to send the doctor in.

"It looks like what we have is a fetus that stopped developing at 8 weeks. There was no heartbeat present. I'm sorry Mrs. Hailey, but it looks like you are miscarrying." I think I heard the rest of his words, but mentally I was already checking out of the conversation. I think he was answering Robert's questions when I snapped back to reality.

He explained my options -- that I could go home and pass the baby naturally or that I could opt for a D&C procedure to speed up the process, because sometimes it can take several days -- even weeks -- to fully pass. He then excused himself to see what surgeons were on call while Robert and I discussed it. We felt like the D&C was the way to go. If in fact the baby was dead and I was going to pass it I didn't think I could emotionally withstand it. I just couldn't. Some women, unfortunately, do it and that more than once, but I didn't think I had it in me to be that kind of strong.

There is, on the other hand, that tiny little voice of worry (or maybe hope) at the back of your mind that says maybe the doctors are wrong. What if the baby is still alive and I have this procedure done? Won't I then ultimately abort my baby? "Mrs. Hailey, I can assure you of two facts: One, your baby is deceased, and two, you are miscarrying this pregnancy."

Okay. So I had no more questions. Permission was given to treat, papers signed and I was rolled upstairs to a private room and prepped for surgery. Psalm 22:9 promised me that morning that God would safely bring this baby from my womb. :'-)

And looking back, I guess the surgery was the best option for me. Dr. Cothren, the surgeon, explained that I had "a lot of stuff in there" and because of that and my size (I have a small pelvic), that I did a lot of bleeding during and post op. So they kept me a little longer to watch me before sending me home.

"Stuff in there?" Hmm ... My mind goes back to a particularly heavy period I had around November or December. I noted very heavy bleeding at the time, even cramping which is something I am blessed to never do with my periods. Could I possibly have had an early miscarriage then and just never knew I was pregnant? At the time I honestly just thought my periods were changing because I am getting closer to 40. I don't remember ever passing anything either, but I'm wondering now if that might be the "stuff" Dr. Cothren referred to. Well, only on the other side of this life will I ever know the answer to that question. But it does make you wonder.

I can't lie, in the first week after the miscarriage I grieved, yes, but I was so uncomfortable from physical pain and numb from painkillers that my emotions didn't get a chance to catch up to everything that was happening. It wasn't until the following Friday, a full week after the miscarriage, that I feel like it really sank in and I started to make real progress with my grief.

I remember I dropped Ellie off at school and immediately felt like I just couldn't go home. So I drove down to Cleece's Ferry here in West Nashville and I just sat for what seems like hours. It was a quiet place to pray and think; seems like only old men looking to do early fishing or the occasional hobo ever visit the place anymore. I knew it would be a good spot to sit and talk it out with God. So I did.

I began to listen to Kari Jobe's "I Am Not Alone." (https://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA) My sweet pastor sent it to me through a text message days before, and I had listened to it, but only once -- not really enough to begin the grieving process like I needed to. Sometimes we put off emotions that only music can bring back out, and in the moments that followed that is exactly what this song did!

I have never questioned God is all this; never asked Him "Why?" I trust His sovereignty! I know He cares for me -- LOVES me, and has a plan for me. And I never felt the need to pray and ask Him to heal my body or my heart -- Jesus' death and resurrection say to me that these things are already mine. I know not only that He WILL do these things, but that these things are already done. His word says that Jesus took the stripes for my healing and "it is finished." I don't have to ask for those things because I already have it. But I (we) do have to go through a "go-through" process sometimes in order to get to what is already promised and waiting on the other side.

I was carrying around something that I couldn't give a name to: Grief seems to simple a word. Disappointment? Devastation? Sorrow? Distress? I don't know. I only know that as I began to let myself cry it out, I began to hear sounds coming from me that I have never heard me make in my entire life. Not even when my Daddy died did I make such sounds. Sounds of pain, heartache, mourning ... dare I say travail? I wasn't just crying anymore; I was weeping and lamenting -- literally travailing something in my spirit. I was still pregnant with something, and I had to get it out of me! My abdomen would literally rise and fall with contractions as I began to wail harder and harder, and as I kept weeping I felt those contractions push "stuff" out of me. It felt cleansing. So did the tears. It felt as though that in those moments while I acknowledged my grief and allowed it to serve its purpose in me, that I began the process of laying to rest my baby and all the hopes I had for it.

"Miscarriage." It sounds like such a technical word -- even like you did something wrong to make it happen. But in nearly every case there is nothing that could've been done to stop it. It is an inevitable event, and it is all too common. One in four women is the statistic. And when you know someone who experiences it you don't fully understand the death that it is for them until you go through it yourself. It is very much the death of a child, and in a way the death of hope -- not the fullness of hope or all that hope is, but the death of all the hopes you had for that baby. They have to be laid to rest and you have to find some way of conceiving new hope and new vision for the plan God has for you.

Just beginning the process of faith to see and understand that God still has a plan in all this is hard! But I do still believe that! In fact I have never stopped believing it. I can't say I know or believe that God planned this loss, because I understand that our bodies are just a shell that is subject to the curse of sin. These things just happen and there is no understanding for it on this side of life. But Romans 8:28 has always been my life verse, and in times of loss or struggle I remind myself that God has a reason for allowing it and He will work it out for my greater good.

Hailey Baby No. 2 took me by such sweet surprise! After trying with only negative results for so many months before, I was beginning to think my eggs were getting old! :) Honestly I had hung up the idea of having more children. Maybe just one was best. And then we got an unexpected positive, and we were so ecstatic! All of us -- Robert, Ellie, our families. I knew all about how your chances of miscarriage lessen the further along you get, so in the beginning I was reluctant to get too excited on the outside, but it was too late on the inside! And then when I got to hear that precious heartbeat at my 8 week scan it was finally real to me. It wasn't very long after that scan, though, that the baby stopped developing. We announced at 9 weeks, but little did we know the baby had already died.

That's the thing I'm having the hardest time with. All the well-wishes and congrats were for a baby that was already passed. My belly was still growing though; I was already in maternity and I am sure I felt little flutters. None of that can be medically explained. The body just does what it does. It takes cues from our minds or its other parts, and well, my body took the cue to be pregnant and ran with it. Or did it?

Maybe my body was already cued to miscarry. I still think about that heavy period months ago. What if -- just what if -- that WAS a miscarriage that I never passed? What if Hailey Baby No. 2 was sent to heal my body and knit my heart for the next baby? What if it was sent to "prepare the way" so to speak for the next life that will grow in my womb? I mean, if my body was a toxic environment that only incubated death then surely only death would come from it. But what if -- just what if -- that baby was sent to make my body whole again? What if another preganancy had been unknowingly rotting away and this miscarriage which led to the D&C was meant to clean me out and restore my body? What if I were on the verge of a serious blood infection? It wouldn't be the first time He sent a baby to save my life would it?

It's a thought that I see only confirmed around me when I look at this season of spring. God has always spoken to me through my plants, and He is speaking to me today in the smallest of voices. I'll explain. ...

A few years ago my neighbor gave me an iris bloom, but while I was re-potting it I somehow broke the stalk on the plant's only flower. For two springs I have nurtured that plant with sunlight and water to no avail; not once have I seen the slightest chance for a bloom. I thought that maybe the bulb was damaged and that it will never bloom again. No matter. I keep watering it anyway. It's what I do. When spring 2015 showed up I just kept watering away. Until the miscarriage. Then what seems like 2 weeks worth of rain moved in and I haven't been able to tend to my flowers as usual.

Well yesterday, I took some time to check on the many things I have planted, and I finally saw something I had been overlooking; something that was developing in all that rain and storms. That once hopeless iris plant is now blooming! It has three stalks and each stalk has a bud! The thing that I thought would never thrive again is now showing signs of life! For two years, leaves would sprout up but nothing would ever come of them. Not until now has it brought forth flowers.

This is God's voice to me. I feel God saying, "Keep trying and have faith. Have hope." I am. Three is God's number for life. I don't find it to be at all a coincidence that I'm looking a three iris blooms.
So to those asking how I am ... I am well. I am better. I am healing. I still have hope. And no matter our circumstances, God is always faithful.

Spring is truly a miraculous season. Every year we watch God resurrect His creation. I'm glad the miscarriage happened when it did, because all around me are signs of life from death, new beginnings from hopes that have died, and I am taking my cue from spring to plant another seed. We WILL try again, and as I lay to rest my hopes for one child and am beginning to conceive in me new hopes for the child (or children) that are ahead of me!

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

So we've been very broke these last two weeks. Robert and I manage our finances fairly well considering our situation, but this week has been no joke.

We do our best to be givers, and we tithe -- just not faithfully. We usually tithe from the first two checks of each month and then use the last two checks to pay rent (always due on the 1st). I used to feel this was being a good steward of the money God had given us: ... with the first two checks, tithe, pay utilities and bills and buy groceries. Then this way we could use every dime toward rent and gas for the last two weeks.

Well, after hearing our pastor's sermon this past Sunday, Robert and I have pledged to God that we will tithe every check, every earning, every increase, no matter what. No longer are we going to "try" to tithe or "try" to be givers. We signed the pledge and placed it in his bible at Malachi 3:10, "... Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. 'Test me in this,' says the LORD Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessings that there will not be room enough to store it. ..." (NIV)

You read that verse and, if you're honest about your thoughts, you think, "I don't know! Will God really do that? I mean, I've seen Him do it for other people, but would He really do it for me?" I know this verse clearly says it's an area where we can test God, but most of us fail the test of actually testing Him. We let fear of our unforeseen circumstances dominate control of our checkbooks.

Well ... no more. Robert and I decided Sunday that no matter what we WILL tithe faithfully, because we are ready to see what God can do -- will do -- for us if we will but believe Him at His word.

That being said, the rent for February 1 was already paid the day before we made this pledge. That Saturday I had also spent $65 for a small handful of necessities. There was no longer any earnings to tithe from this week; it was spent. After all was said and done we had $8 in the bank. Praise the LORD we were in the black! We went home and had canned soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.

Not all of those necessities I bought the day before were groceries. I wished they were, but some things trump my grocery list - like toilet paper, feminine products, medications, school photo fees, etc. Food doesn't help in these situations. I had two pounds of meat in the freezer and a couple of canned veggies in the cabinet. I bought two boxes of Hamburger Helper. That's Monday and Tuesday covered, but I cook five nights a week. The math didn't add up. "Should I ask the church pantry for food this week? No," I thought, "that should be saved for those who are truly in need." I decided to make due.

Monday comes. A friend called to buy a bottle of X-treme 5000 from me. (See I sell vitamins, weight loss supplements and health care products on the side, but for a long while that is a side income that hasn't seen much business.) But ... for "whatever reason" this friend decided this week that she needed a full bottle of fat burner (which she never buys). I only charged her $40; that put $36 back in our pockets. Why only $36? Guess where the other $4 is going. Yep! I tithed it. Now I had a little extra for gas (because I'm almost on "E") and money for fast food tonight (because I don't cook on Wednesdays).

But can I tell you that the blessings haven't stop there?

This morning when I got to work a co-worker approached me with an envelope with my name on it. She said she found it next to the computer where we clock in. I opened it to find a Kroger gift card worth $25! Wow! I was speechless. Twenty-five dollars isn't a lot, but when you have no more meat in the freezer and only Ramen noodles, canned soup and crackers to choose from it can go a long way. My co-worker didn't know where it came from -- only knew that it was setting there when she got to work and that it wasn't from her. There was no other name on the envelope or card but mine. Whoever gave it quietly placed it there for me to see when I clocked in, and no doubt they were led of the Holy Spirit when they did it.

I have not told anyone we needed groceries. I did not put out an all points bulletin on Facebook. I did not make it a point to complain about my circumstances. I trust God knows my every need. And even though I haven't always been a faithful tither, I have given regularly. In lean times as these I make due and God reminds me, "You've sown for this." I also like to believe that God blessed me because He sees my heart and He knows my intentions to tithe are genuine. I must admit that sometimes I do wonder where the blessing is going to come from; who will He use to meet my need? Dare I say, that's even the fun part about being so broke so often?

Just last week, knowing I wouldn't have much food in the house, God used my gay next door neighbor to give me 3 bags of fresh spinach and lettuce. Granted I'm the only one who will eat it, but it has provided me lunch this week. I mention that my neighbor is gay because God can use whoever He wants to bless us. (Proverbs 13:22 " ... the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous ...").

I don't post this blog today to brag about my blessings; I post this blog to brag about the God of all blessings. The blessings are not the point -- no matter how big or small. The point of all my ramblings is how good God is and how faithful He is towards us. Great is thy faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Thank you Father that you know all and see all. Thank you that nothing in my life takes you by surprise. Thank you that my life is not a radar that you man as "blips" pop up, but rather that my life is a time line laid out before time began, my blessings planned before I even got here. Thank you that you have already mapped out the events that will force me to trust you and then prove that you really do see me. Thank you that every friend and even every "foe" plays into those blessings. Father God, please bless my neighbor, my customer and my co-worker who blessed me. Bless them for being sensitive to your leading and for their obedience to you. God I pray a special blessing to all those who read this and I pray ultimately that you get all the glory! By the power of the name of Jesus I pray. -- AMEN!

(To listen to Pastor Scott Dobbins sermons at any time visit at http://www.bellshireag.org/media-bellshire-ag-church-service-sermons-videos-every-sunday.asp. To see a list of health and wellness products and supplements sold by Saba, please visit my website at http://SabaForLife.com/CarlaHailey.)

Ellie Update: Finally! An IEP Is In Place!

Well ... two weeks came and went pretty quick, as well as these last two months! :-) What can I say? The holidays came and time got away from me. We are back on schedule now - between work and home - so I thought it a good time to catch everyone up.

We did have an initial S-Team meeting on Nov. 11. All usual staff was there: Ellie's teacher, principal, behavioral specialist that had been trying to work with Ellie since the October meeting and the school psychologist. At that time the behavioral specialist had been conducting periodic evaluations and had implemented some rewards systems. She went over her findings of those evaluations as well as how the rewards were affecting Ellie's behavior. She did seems to be improving, but at a slow climb. The school psychologist just listened in.

At the end of it all, the principal, teacher and BS agreed that Ellie displayed some "emotional disturbances." The psychologist agreed that it "sounded" like most of her behaviors were emotionally driven." (Without having evaluated Ellie herself she couldn't be certain.)

At that time no real recommendations were made. The BS said that we could keep going with the rewards system, however the team of ladies did make me aware of my rights to request a psych eval. (I think maybe that was their way of dropping a hint to please request one.) No worries; I wanted an extensive evaluation done anyway, so I did make the request.

Side note: When the school psychologist does this evaluation it's actually done over a couple of different examinations in different settings. Ellie received one in a classroom setting as well as in a one-on-one session.

For the remainder of November and December Ellie greatly improved; she brought home stickers nearly every day. Before Christmas break we all agreed to meet again this Jan. 6.

Without going into great detail or all that psych jargon, we did have our final S-team meeting last week, and it was determined that Ellie does qualify for Special Education services, and in her particular case an IEP (Individual Education Program) was recommended. FINALLY!

Ellie now has two 30-minute "pull-outs" each day as well as a 45-minute "push-in." What that means is that for an hour each day she is pulled out of her classroom to go work one-on-one with a Special Education teacher or Spec. Ed. teacher aide. Those two pull-out sessions focus on improving Ellie's language, reading and math skills. The push-in time is when a Spec. Ed. teacher (or Spec. Ed. teacher's aide) comes to work with Ellie in her classroom setting. In Ellie's particular case, this person also attends lunch with her because that is usually the place where Ellie tends to display her worst behaviors. So it's like she has her own personal lunch buddy now.

I couldn't be happier! They implemented this IEP the very next day, so it's only been a week. It's probably too early to see how well it's working, but I am so pleased that we are finally getting somewhere with her.

Now yesterday was a hard day for her - first one in over a month! So, because of that I didn't spank her when we got home, but I did take away the TV, the computer and Monk Monk for the night.

Thank you all for your prayers and for loving my baby girl. She is finally getting the help she needs. Please keep praying for her - that she continues to do well.

October 20th Reconvening

Welp ... many of you have asked about Ellie and how our meeting with the school went today.

I reconvened with her teacher, principal, vice principal and school behavioral specialist today. (Thought it was gonna be the school psychologist but I misunderstood.)

Ellie's behavior has not improved. It has maintained in some aspects and in others only gotten worse. She is very inept and inappropriate; she talks about stuff that doesn't make sense, starts singing when the teacher is teaching, gets up from her chair and walks to the book nook when it's time for independent work (so class room work doesn't get done), refuses to talk/answer when being assessed for her monthly progress report (basically will not count to 20 or say ABCs for her teacher), is touchy-feely and just in others' personal space all the time, even though she is touchy-feely with the kids she would prefer to play by herself at play free time or recess, runs with scissors, has daily screaming fits, is easily angered or enraged, mentally "checks out" sometimes like she is thinking really hard then just interrupts to start talking about something off subject, etc., ... stuff like that. I think it's starting to spill over into home and church life. Ellie never used to behave as bad as she does at church now - at least if she did no one told me - but I'd say even her behavior in Sunday school and especially Wednesday night class has only gotten worse since she started school.

I requested an S-team meeting. The only time/day we can do it is 3 p.m. Nov. 11. That's a Tuesday so that will be a busy day for me, but I'll make it work. There is no temporary plan in place at this time and no other plan. This IS our only next step right now.

Reward systems are short-lived. Bribery doesn't work. Taking her toys away hasn't worked here at home. In fact, I have resorted to giving her old fashioned over my knee spankings when she comes home with bad reports. I know that may seem harsh or heavy-handed, but I really don't know what to do anymore. I am at my wit's end with this kid.

I knew at least a year or two ago that behavior issues may come up with her, but I never would've imagined this. I am overwhelmed. I don't know what else to do. Spanking her hurts me as much as it hurts her, but I am beginning to feel helpless and out of options.

Academically, I couldn't be prouder. If I understand her teacher right, there were 80 students in her school who, according to their report cards, scored higher than grade level. Ellie was number 79 (and I think she said Ellie was the only kindergartner who did)! And we have small progresses in other areas. Like going into school for example. Ellie walked herself into school all last week and today as well. So we have graduated to car-rider drop-off line! That's a major milestone. But again, it's one of those one-step-forward-two-steps-back kind of things.

So for now, this is where we're at. I'll update again in two weeks.

Ellie Update (Since Conferencing w/Teacher and Principal)

My last post was Thursday, Aug. 28. Ellie came home with a smiley face sticker that day and a green mark. She got Monk Monk back.

(Her school has a color system. Green is where all kids start out every day. Green means "ready to learn," and they can move up or down from there. Red, orange or yellow are colors that indicate you were very well behaved. Blue, light blue or purple are colors that indicate you behaved badly. If ever I say Ellie received bad marks I mean she got a blue, light blue or purple mark.) That Friday she got a blue mark. I don't even remember what for at this point. But honestly, I decided not to punish her with any usual method because I was not sure how effective it would've been over the weekend. I was out of inspiration as to new forms of discipline as well. I just left it as is and tried to enjoy my holiday weekend with her.

The following Monday was Labor Day so there was no school. The next day she came home with a green mark and earned back some dinosaurs. Wednesday she woke up throwing up, so she missed school and I missed work. Thursday and Friday she came home with smiley faces and green marks and got her Lincoln Logs back. And since technically by Friday she had earned an entire week's worth of smiley faces (granted a 3-day week), she got to pick a reward from the jar. She chose the movie Frozen, so we bought the movie and had a girls' night in. Monday and Tuesday continued smoothly, but then came Wednesday!

Wednesday, Sept. 10: At lunch time, Ellie decided to pour a carton of milk over another child's head for no reason - well, she says it was to be funny, but it was definitely not funny. Her teacher actually called me this time. I don't know if Ms. Glasgow was trying to call me to come get Ellie because maybe they were actually going send her home for that antic or if they just felt like this warranted a phone call. Luckily for Ellie, I was at work late that day for another training and could not answer my phone. So unfortunately for them, her teacher and the school were forced to keep her there and figure it out. The last thing I want is to see her get suspended, but I have no doubt they would do it if they felt like they had to.

I felt so defeated at this news. I had done all I knew to do and it was not working. I am losing my patience with this child! But all I can think to do is nothing. I mean, I talked to her about her day and encouraged her to talk out her feelings, but by this time I seriously didn't know what more to do. Then on top of that, by Friday, she came home with yet another note that read, "Ellie earned back to green today, but had some trouble with hair-pulling and hitting." I give! I mean I give up! Once again I just try to enjoy my weekend with her.

So this Monday came. The significance about Monday is that I had a conference with Ellie's teacher, principal and assistant principal to discuss what to do for her. We all just want to see her do well - to see her get it and succeed. We bounced behaviors and suggestions off each other and at the end of it all came away with a new rewards system that I am to try here at home (on top of out rewards systems already in place). It's one that Ms. Glasgow has initiated in the classroom and seems to be working. Basically, she drew a line on a clear disposable cup and every time Ellie does something she is asked to do the first time she is asked, Ms. Glasgow places a bear in the cup. When Ellie has earned enough bears to meet the line she gets to choose from a variety of activities. The idea of the "bear cup" is to help Ellie learn to follow directions by doing what she is told the first time. If we also implement the "bear cup" here at home, we will create consistency for Ellie and she will "get it" more quickly - we hope! :) We are also going to try "picture schedules" with her so that she understands transitions throughout the day better, because she seems to be having a hard time moving from activity to activity or from classroom time to lunch time. It is laminated pictures of each activity (i.e., rug time, story time, recess, lunch, etc.). Each picture has a small piece of Velcro on it's corner. There is a little man who starts out each day at the first activity of the morning. When it is time to move to another activity, Ellie gets to move the little man to the next picture. The hope is that Ellie will have less anxiety about transitioning and obviously to make the transition more fun and less of a struggle.

And to address the separation anxiety that has increased since Cockrill started Independent Week (the week parents stop walking kids to class) we decided that it is best for her in the long run if we keep doing what we are doing, which right now is I drop her off in the lobby, give her a quick kiss and hug with a "Have a great day! Mommy loves you!" and walk away. Someone else will take over from there and get her to class. I do have to walk her into the school because Ellie won't even cross the threshold of the building unless I do it with her. To start walking her to class again at this point would only be working backwards. So as hard as it seems to be on Ellie, we will just continue in this particular struggle until it is no longer a struggle. :-/

Here's where I really need your prayers: Ellie seems to be socially inept most of the day at school. It seems she doesn't want to play with other kids therefore she is not getting along with them. In her ineptness she is either mean to them to kids to get them to leave her alone, because she doesn't want to play with them - she just wants them to get away from her. :-/ Unfortunate but true. And it makes sense because she is an only child and has always had the company of adults. When she's not being mean but rather decides she does want to make friends, she apparently thinks that being a class clown is the way to gain friendship. Every time Ellie misbehaves with bully-like antics and gets what she deems as a positive response of other kids laughing, it sends the signal that this is how you have friends - this is how you act to have other kids like you. What's not clicking for her is how she is isolating another child and causing them social distress.

Please continue to pray that Ellie will keep her hands to herself and be loving and kind at all times. This is the area where the school is losing their patience with Ellie. This behavior is what can get her suspended. Following directions and learning to transition are skills that can continue to be worked on inside the classroom, but mean, bully-like behavior is not tolerated - understandably!

Will update further when I can.

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Baby News ... ORIGINAL POST DATE 11-15-2008

Okay so, I thought if I'm gonna have a blog about being a mama then I will start from the beginning. I couldn't find a way to merge my old blog with this new one so I am copy pasting them. I REPEAT: THIS IS A COPY PAST FROM 6 YEARS AGO. I AM NOT PREGNANT AT THIS PRESENT TIME. Just wanna make that clear. :-)

"Baby News"
Original post date: Saturday, November 15, 2008 ...

Yes, I'm pregnant! I didn't mention it in the last blog b/c we were trying to wait til we were out of the woods - or at least at the edge of them! I am 10 weeks and 5 days as of today. We got pregnant within the first month of marriage. Of course we were not planning that, but now that this new life is growing inside of me I wouldn't have it any other way. I would've never imagined getting pregnant would be so easy for me, but ... I guess we know now just how fertile we are. (Hopefully we won't end up with as many kids as my Davis cousins. Hee hee. LOL! I'm just kidding. I love you guys!). Yesterday was so amazing. That was my first ultra sound. In these first few weeks, I have been in kind of a state of shock. I have found being pregnant hard to believe, but yesterday made it all so real to me - and to Robert. He's not the pregnant one so it's hard for him to get as excited as I have been. Yesterday finally put us on the same level. And I am so in love with this little person who I don't even know yet! I can't wait to see who this baby looks more like - me or Robert. I definitely can't wait to know what sex it is. I think it's a girl but we'll see. I could be wrong. So ... anyway ... every body just keep us in your prayers. We still have a long way to go. We'll update more soon.

On This The 16th Day Of School ...

So my first word for my first blog on the subject of being Ellie's Mama is WOW! I had no idea so many people were following me or the Facebook posts I make about Ellie, but ... WOW! That's all I can say!My sister-in law told me yesterday that a co-worker of hers is waiting to hear the next update about Ellie. And I have had folks that follow my public posts write me to encourage me or ask how she's doing.So in light of all the curiosity, I have started this blog. I promise I will try to make all entries shorter than my usual ramblings. Well .. all future entries. :-)I give my Facebook followers my apologies that you've been left hanging over the past few days; I have been super busy with some job training.Okay, without further ado, here is your long awaited "Ellie update," as we are now calling them. Let's recap: We implemented the rewards jar system the weekend before last. We told Ellie that she had to came home from school with a week's worth of smiley-face stickers if she wanted to earn something from the jar.She came home last Monday with a note about bad behavior again, so already that week's chances of a reward were shot. I figured she may need to have daily goals in place in order to make the weekly goal more attainable.Before I can come up with what those daily rewards should be, I take her to school the next day, Tuesday, and her teacher informs me of just how bad she was to earn that note. The week before it was pinching, yelling, throwing puzzle pieces - aimlessly or at others - and disrupting music class (a place where usually you are encouraged to be noisy). I'm told what happened that Monday was that she pushed another student. Basically, the class was lining up to go to lunch and the other student - a husky little fella - "got in her space." So ... she turned around and pushed him out of it! Problem was - aside from not keeping her hands to herself - was that he didn't expect the push, so it literally knocked him off his feet and into the other eight students standing behind him. I'm told they all went down like bowling pins! Of course I take this seriously, but on the inside I'm chuckling just a bit at the visual.But again, I do take this seriously because she can't continue to behave this way socially; my inside chuckling quickly turned to discouragement as I drive back home. Nothing I was doing seemed to be working: time-outs, spankings, taking away privileges - nothing. It was time for more earnest prayers and drastic measures. So I went home, cried, prayed, and then took most every toy she owns out of her room; I put them all away for safe keeping. They are tucked in tight at the top of my closet where she can see them but can't reach them. I left her Monk Monk because he is her absolute comfort, some crayons and coloring books, some dolls that she NEVER plays with and her TV. I couldn't take everything for storage reasons. Plus I needed something left for leverage should she decide not to comply after this point.Of course she was livid when she came home, but she seemed to understand that if she wanted it all back she had to earn it one toy at a time with good behavior.The next day, Wednesday of that week, she came home with a note about "slapping at lunch table." I asked her about it and she admitted that she slapped another friend across the face. Knowing that if I ask her why she did it she would just say she didn't know, I asked her if she was mad about something. She explained that she did it trying to be funny. I told her we don't slap friends when trying to be funny, because chances are no one interprets slaps from supposed friends as funny. With that antic she lost Monk Monk.At this point I'm thinking something's gotta give. She needs to see her own progression as well as her own decline. So Thursday while at the Parent Teacher Store with my boss, I picked up an actual rewards chart that you might see in the classroom. I grabbed some reusable smiley-face stickers so that we can make our home reward chart look just like her homework/behavior folder from her teacher.

She came home that day with a smiley face and a note that read "We had a much better day today!" I let her pick where she wanted the reward chart hung and as long as she comes home with smiley faces, she gets to put them on the chart herself. So guess which toy she wanted back? Yep! And I guess Monk Monk could be the key, but I like to think that all the praying I did (and am still doing) is coming to fruition.Thursday and Friday of that week and Monday of this week she has come home with smiley faces. I'm thinking, "Finally! I've found what works!"Nope!Fast-forward to Tuesday of this week. Another note! This time it read, "Ellie had a hard day following directions." So I took Monk Monk again thinking that would nip this week's behavior in the bud. Did it? No!Yesterday's note read, "Ellie really had a hard time staying with the class and not hiding in the room." Apparently, Ellie will just spontaneously jump from her seat to go hide (usually in the book nook). Then on top of that, I'm told she behaved rather badly at church last night. (I was at church, but it was my first night in the youth room. She was left to "test" her daddy's limits. Not my intent, but she saw the opportunity.)So ... last night we took from her the toys that she had earned back Thursday and Friday of last week as well as her TV, and of course she still has not earned Monk Monk back. We explained to her that when (not if) she comes home with smiley faces she can have her toys back (one at a time still), and when (not if) she learns to behave in church she can have her TV back.Now I'm back to feeling rather discouraged. I just wished that along with that bad behavior note the teacher could tell me just one good thing my kid did. Ya know ... something like, "Ellie had a hard day today following directions, but helped a friend pick up toys." Otherwise I feel I am only reinforcing her bad behavior these days. It's like when she gets home we discuss her bad behavior, but never what she did good. I can't reinforce good behavior if I don't know about it. I wrote the teacher a letter to that affect. So I guess we'll see how today goes.
In the meantime, I am asking God to show me today how to be loving and nurturing toward her rather than harsh. This is a difficult adjustment for her - her more so than me. I'm asking him to allow me to see her need - to see her as he does - and to show me how to almost blindly praise good behavior while not giving much more attention to the bad. ###

x

Finally ... A Blog Is Born!

I think now that the Holidays are here, this is the best time to do something that I haven't done in far too long: update my personal blog. It's been 10 months! Yikes! I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, but ... here goes ...

Life On Eastboro
We are still here; it'll be two years in May. Believe it or not, there are still some boxes we haven't unpacked! I'm not real sure what happened this past year-and-a-half, but it seems to have flown by too fast. I guess with unpacked boxes it's safe to say I still feel a lil unsettled. I still don't have all pictures hung or every room organized like I had hoped I would by now, but ... it is what it is. Being a stay-at-home mommy is way harder and busier than I ever expected it would be - especially with a child like Elianna. She's strong-willed and very active; she must be doing and playing at all times! Between her and Robert I'm constantly busy. That's why I never get a chance to blog anymore. At least when I worked full time at a desk job it was easy to sneak a fairly regular blog post in. Now I have to choose between making sure all household chores are done (something that never happens) before I can sit down to spill my mind. And trust me, stay-at-home mommies everywhere know that you don't wanna get behind on one single chore, because you will NEVER catch up!

I'm still working most Wednesdays at West End Community Church; I get semester breaks and when the kids are out of school I generally am at home too. In September of 2014 WECC will begin a Mother's Day Out program, so maybe my hours will pick up then. Hopefully. Photography has picked up some with the holidays, but it's not a very steady income. People just don't wanna spend the money on photography. I can't say I blame them. I get it; times are tough, and families have to make choices. Unfortunately photo sessions don't make the cut. I raised my rates last year because I wasn't charging enough by the time I factored in gas, travel time, edit time, etc., but now it looks like I may need to consider lowering my rates again - maybe to somewhere in the middle. And I'm still an ACE/Saba distributor, but honestly have little time to put into making it a full time business. I know many women in my up-line who have done it and who are very successful at it, but ... I am a busy wife and mom. Right now I am content with distributing enough product to get mine for free. Ultimately though, our plan is for me to go back to work when Ellie starts kindergarten in the fall - at least a part time job.

Speaking Of Ellie
Her antics these days inspire enough writing material for a blog dedicated solely to her! And don't get me started on Monk Monk! He could have his own blog too! Wherever Ellie is, Monk Monk is there! She has had him and often played with him since she was 18 months old, but not until the move here did she have this attachment. If you see me, you see both Ellie and Monk Monk. We - or rather I - dress him, strap him in his own car seat, take him literally everywhere we go! I'm starting to feel like the sister-in-law in that movie "Lars And The Real Girl!" OMG! If you haven't seen that movie you need to so that you will understand what I mean! You can find it on Netflix.com. It's about a guy who attaches to (of all things) a life-like sex doll! I promise it's a great movie; nothing like it sounds! He is a kind of socially inept fella and has a hard time making friends, so he orders this sex doll and begins introducing her as his girlfriend in social situations. And what is so great about this small town that he lives in is that they understand his personality and social anxieties so they just go along with it. His sister-in-law helps him dress and primp her everyday! Everyone goes along with his delusion and begins to sign her up for social clubs or volunteer her at the local children's hospital - the whole town eventually falls in love with her too! That's how I feel. Most everyday I get up, dress this stuffed monkey (though some days Ellie decides he doesn't need clothes and so we forgo them), and take him EVERYWHERE we go. He gets strapped in when riding in the van. He gets strapped into shopping carts. He gets a seat at the table ... and you get the picture!

And almost unbelievably, he is accepted everywhere we go. I used to make Ellie leave him in the van when we went to church or to WECC, because I didn't want her to freak out if other kids wanted to play with him. I didn't let her take him into stores because I didn't want workers to think we had stole him. Now, I choose my battles, and the battle of Monk Monk is one I have relinquished. And I am left fascinated with just how many people accept him and don't make a big deal about this big ol' monkey that Ellie has to have all the time. I'm especially grateful to Ellie's Sunday school teachers who even include Monk Monk in their arts and crafts projects - if Ellie's hand has been traced to become a turkey or manger, Monk Monk's has been too! I can't tell ya how much that warms my heart!

Truth is, he is starting to feel like another child; I even talk to him after Ellie goes to sleep sometimes. I think for Ellie, our move back to Nashville had its own sort of anxieties that she couldn't express or process. I think the move made her lonely, so she started asking for a brother or sister. When after repeated pleas Robert and I finally got her to understand that we were not planning to have any more babies, that she was it, she attached herself to Monk Monk. They have been inseparable ever since. It's going on a year now and I don't see and end to the Monk Monk obsession coming anytime soon.

Aside from the Monk Monk thing, she is developing into quite the extraordinary little girl with a personality that is anything but little! Her stature may be small, but her presence is larger than life! She is becoming so imaginative! Her vocabulary is exploding every day! Sometimes, she's like a miniature adult! Her facial expressions are priceless! She is unlike most every kid I know! For instance, she couldn't care less for Santa Claus! I don't get it! All other children (or at least most) buy into anything you tell them about Santa or elves or being naughty and nice ... but Ellie? In her own words she would prefer that "Mommy and Daddy just buy (her) toys." I dunno; this one is beyond me. Perhaps it's got to do with all the "stranger danger" we try to teach her, because she won't have anything to do with the man - isn't at all excited by him, doesn't want to go see him and most definitely will not be sitting in his lap! Smart girl. Maybe too smart for her own good! But really ... we tell her most days not to talk to strangers, and we pray for her protection and the protection of our home at night when we tuck her in. So naturally she is a lil confused when this time of year we expect her to believe that a stranger sneaks into our house at night to leave toys that we threaten to take away from her for the rest of the year. Lol! It's a wonder kids ever believe in Santa at all! :-)

All in all, even though most days I'm kept so busy cleaning up her messes and making sure she is stimulated and entertained that I don't get my to-do list done, I am so glad that I get to be Ellie's mommy! :'-) Life is a struggle for us right now; it would help out so much if I were working full time again and bringing in that extra paycheck, but it is a struggle that I wouldn't give back! There are too many priceless moments I would be missing, too many mini-sermons God wouldn't have the chance to preach to me any other way but through this child and too many lessons about life's simple pleasures that I would be forgetting.

Married Life
Hey ... just another something that is what it is! Nothing I'm about to say is anything Robert hasn't already heard. I could tell ya that our marriage is picture perfect and that we get along wonderfully, but anyone who is married knows that just isn't true. There are many days that I feel overlooked, unheard and unappreciated ... but ... I'm sure Robert could say the same. :-/ I'm so busy cleaning, cooking and child-rearing and he is so busy working 60-plus hours a week that most days feel less like marriage and more like a single mother receiving child support and regular visits from her baby's daddy. I'm sure his job leaves him feeling like he really does only get scheduled visitations with us. But that's married life; life in general can keep two people so busy that sometimes they forget how to make time for each other. I think that's where we are. We just need some time alone - a REGULAR date night - something we commit to doing on a regular basis no matter what.

But I would like to add that we are still friends and still like each other and that goes a long way. Hands down Robert is my best friend. As with any "besties," we get mad at each other, have pet peeves about each other and have it out from time to time, but we are committed to making our life together work. In the last year things have gone from bad to worse - at least in my mind they did. I have felt ready to run some days! But that's just it: My mindset toward my husband and my marriage was wrong. I was letting myself become overwhelmed with disappointments about marriage, motherhood and life in general. I've recently come to realize that my disappointments were a result of wrong expectations. And it's easy to have wrong expectations - especially when you're a person who all her life had dreams and goals that have never panned out (at least not yet). It's harder sometimes (I think) to be a person with the mindset of living one day at a time and learning to let go of my ideas about how life should be. After all, they are ideas that I held onto for a long time, so letting go of them and just letting life be is hard. But, the more I do it, the easier it will get. Thank goodness Robert is the laid back one and not the spaz I can sometimes be. Thank God that he has less expectations about what life should be like for us. It's like I'm a combative balloon: full of hot air most days, and while I'm fighting the wind he's the tether that keeps me grounded and eventually pulls me back down to earth! I love him for that (and for so much more).

Yes marriage is hard. It has it's challenges. But I wouldn't wanna do it again with anyone else! For everyday that feels like a struggle there has been a day of overwhelmingly simple blessings! Simple every Sunday that we get to sit on a church pew as a family. Simple when on Sunday afternoons we have Robert home all day and to ourselves. Simple when in the evenings he comes home and we get to kick back and laugh at something new Ellie has to say or share. Simple in the sense that we get to be her mommy and daddy together. Simple in the sense that I have someone to spoon up to and watch Saturday Night Live with while lying in bed. All simple gestures, but blessings still. So, bottom line, our married life is like most: challenging but blessed. :-)

Spiritual Walk
A year ago we were attending Cornerstone Church in Madison - a great church, but a really big church. We had moved back to Nashville and with it came the hope and promise that we were also moving out of the spiritual slump we had been in while living in Columbia. We were committed to finding a new church home. We wanted a church where our gifts could finally be used by God again. I haven't been an active part of praise and worship (nor he sound) since Ellie was about 18 months old. All we knew was that getting back in the game (so to speak) was the key to getting back on track spiritually. I feel like, when a Christian is operating in their gifts and talents in a church family, then they are committing themselves to the process of growth by way of accountability and character cultivation. When we lived in Columbia, we were in a church building (occupying a pew), but by not being a part of the church body we were not growing (not occupying our purpose). So the move was full of hope for a new beginning with a new church family and new church friends.

A dear friend had gone to Cornerstone for many years and invited me and Robert to come visit. This was great because this friend was one of those kindred spirits that you rarely find in life and since we had been separated by distance, I was full of hope about getting to rebuild that relationship with her.

At first, Cornerstone seemed like a church we could settle in. They have so many wonderful classes and ministries that you are welcomed to be a part of. Granted they did not necessarily need new singers; their stage was full of talent and each week it rotated to a whole new set of beautiful voices, but you felt encouraged to come be a part anyway. Their media ministry was the same: full of people willing to help and learn and open the door to any other who felt called to production or sound. They had literally over 50 small groups that you could be a member of. (The church leaders were smart enough to realize that people tend to feel lost in such a large "mega-member church crowd" so they launched a wonderful small group ministry.) I even found a delightful group of ladies to spend my Wednesday nights learning to cook with.

But Ellie didn't do well there. I don't know why. They had an organized children's ministry and even Middle Tennessee's largest indoor playground! But nearly every week she misbehaved and was kicked out of her class. One night she even kicked her teacher! :-( We tried to hang in there; we didn't want her to think that anytime she didn't like her teacher she could just act out and mommy and daddy would find another church. We felt an important lesson for her to learn was that she wouldn't always like or get along with everyone but that she needed to find a way to cope in those situations. We hung in for as long as we could until we saw that, important lesson or not, it was a forced lesson that wasn't getting through.

And Ellie issues aside, can I just say that I never felt that "home" or "family" feeling. I mean, it's a wonderful church for many people, but I just never felt it. Robert's work schedule was a factor in him never being able to connect with the men there. (Most of the small groups met at or before 6 p.m. and well, he works every day but Sunday until 6 so he could never connect with the groups). And truly, all my hopes were hung on reconnecting with my old kindred spirit friend; when that re-connection didn't happen I was left feeling very disappointed at my entire experience there. Once again, I realize now that I had the wrong expectations of people which led to my feeling disappointed; I see that now. But then I just wanted to build a relationship with someone who appeared to have little time for me. And ya know, my mindset may have wrong, but my experience is still a testament to the importance of relationships within the church.

Anyway ... we moved on from there. In May we thought we'd surprise Shane and Tereasa McCoy at Bellshire Assembly of God. They started going there about the time we moved back to town and had often invited us. I didn't tell her I was coming that morning. I just got in my car and instead of driving to Cornerstone I drove to Bellshire to surprise her, and well ... we've been driving to Bellshire ever since! :-)

It really does feel like home there, like family. It reminds me so much of the church I grew up in, and most importantly Ellie is doing very well there. At least if she has been acting out no one has bothered to inform me! LOL! Right now we are still occupying a pew, but we are building relationships with people there and just being still while we wait for God to open the doors for us to serve. In the meantime, I have been asked to minister to the women and children of the Nashville Rescue Mission's Family Life Center and Campus every third Sunday. I'm going to continue to do that for now. It may be a small beginning but it is an open door none the less, so I have walked through it with the hope that God will eventually need me to fulfill my purpose on a more regular basis at Bellshire ... or wherever.

So there it is: Our last 10 months in a lil more than a nutshell! Thanks for reading. I hope to find more time to blog more regularly. Merry Christmas everybody!