My dad is sick. This is nothing new. Anyone who knows me has heard about my daddy; you've heard me talk about his COPD and emphysema. This year (maybe even last year too) has been especially rough, because the emphysema has been complicated by chronic pneumonia. The steroids his doctor has put him on to keep the lung infections at bay have caused an unsafe increase in swelling throughout his body -- particularly his legs and feet. So now he has sores on his legs where they have been literally weeping fluids. He just can't seem to keep his feet elevated enough to level out the fluids in his body. The sores and swelling literally keep him sore, and he has a hard time getting up and down out of bed now -- even taking a bath or using the restroom are difficult tasks.
On top of everything, his best friend and room mate Danny died about 2 months back, and loneliness has once again settled in. Since I am always stuck at work and taking care of my husband and daughter -- and mainly since I don't have a car -- I can't get to him to stay with him like I want to or like I feel I should.
Tonight he told me that he wants to be in a nursing home on a permanent basis.
I am heavily burdened tonight with guilt for one; I feel like as his daughter I should be the one taking care of him instead of never really being available for him. But ... I can't quit my job ... right? Even though I don't make that much money, it still helps Robert and I financially that I work -- more than it would if I didn't.
I also feel heavy with this overwhelming sense of dread -- like the inevitable is suddenly upon me and even though I've done all I can to prepare for it I'm just not ready. I mean, don't get me wrong, I haven't buried him yet. He's still around, and who knows? He may be around another couple of years, but at the same time ... well ... I can't explain it. I mean, who can look at the sky, feel the wind, smell the rain but not know a storm is coming? Ya know what I mean? Some things you just feel a long way off, and when you finally reach that moment you're still not prepared.
I dunno ... there was something about what he said tonight and the way he said it that let me know that I should get a lil' more serious about making every effort to see him every chance I get.
I am heavy tonight, friends. I have never had to cross this bridge with a parent before. It's a hard thing. And I pray I am jumping the gun. I pray that the nursing home is the right decision, that it's just what he needs to add years to his life, that being around constant health care is what will sustain him for a little while yet, but at the same time that just seems so selfish.
I love my daddy! He was the one my Heavenly Father chose as His earthly representation of Himself, and he's done a wonderful job of it.
I need prayer tonight y'all, but more than me, my daddy needs your prayers.
He loves the Lord and is ready to go at any time, but ... well I don't know if there is a "but" and that's what worries me.
Just please say a prayer for him. His name is Larry Joe Luna. Pray for his healing yes, but pray for his peace, my peace and that we choose the right nursing home. I just want him to be happy, comfortable and surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for him. Pray with us that we find that place for him.
I love you all and will keep you updated.